I Lost Myself Trying to be Perfect (And it Cost Me Everything) with Claudia Cardozo [The Sacred Style Podcast-Ep. 10]

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What we cover:

• 00:00 Introduction

• 02:48 Immigration, identity & fitting in

• 06:32 Perfectionism and achievement culture

• 10:14 Burnout, illness & midlife crisis

• 14:25 Leaving corporate life & traveling for healing

• 18:40 Losing yourself while trying to belong

• 22:15 Self-worth beyond productivity

• 26:47 Learning how to feel safe within yourself

• 30:18 Relationships as mirrors for growth

• 35:02 The inability to relax & overworking patterns

• 39:05 Self-compassion, healing & becoming who you want to be

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Daniela

Hey, beautiful soul, and welcome to the Sacred Style Podcast. A safe space where we get real and go deep to explore the intersection of modern spirituality, entrepreneurship, identity, and purpose. Hosted by intuitive artist and entrepreneur Daniela West. Join us as we explore the transformational journey of becoming more fully you, whole, healed, and human.

So, hey there and welcome to the Sacred Style podcast. So, I'm really excited for today's episode. We are going to be speaking about how we can tap into self-compassion to transform our relationships in the world around us. And I think especially in today's crazy, chaotic world, this is a super important, relevant topic. So to expand more on this, I'll be speaking with Claudia Cardozo, a Gallup-certified strengths coach, Chopra meditation instructor, diversity and inclusion specialist, author of Love Is the Path, TED Talk speaker, and founder of Innate Five, where she helps individuals and teams grow through corporate coaching and workshops.

As a first-generation Colombian immigrant to the US, Claudia's journey has been shaped by the challenges of navigating identity, belonging, and self-compassion. These experiences ignited her passion for healing divisions and fostering connection in a fragmented world. Drawing from her personal story, Claudia advocates for compassionate leadership and inclusive cultures that empower people to feel valued and seen. Her work is rooted in the belief that love is a transformative force for creating belonging and bridging divides.

So with that powerful intro, I'm so excited to welcome you, Claudia. How are you doing?

Claudia

Thank you. Thank you. So excited to be with you here in the space. Thank you for the invitation.

Daniela

You're welcome. I mean, it's such an honor. I am so excited to explore your story, explore more about your work and your book, and yeah, I think this is going to be a really powerful, super relevant topic to today's world. So, I would love it if you could introduce yourself a little bit more to the audience. Let us know what kind of journey led you to where you are now.

Claudia

Oh, wow. So I think it's important to note that I came to the United States in 2002 from Colombia, and I have very humble beginnings in terms of how I arrived here in the US. I came with $500. That's all I had after selling my scooter in Colombia. So, I was able to buy the plane ticket and have $500 and left.

And you know, I came here with the dream to pursue a better life for myself and my daughter. And as many immigrants, I had to leave my daughter behind. So many immigrants come to this country and make huge sacrifices.

Wow.

For me, leaving my daughter behind was very difficult. I mean, it had consequences in our lives for many years, but I'm happy to say after a lot of therapy, my daughter and I are much better.

Yeah. So, I worked in many different industries, as you noted. I started working in a restaurant, rolling burritos and frying tacos. That's how I started. And then I moved to the insurance industry for a couple of years. And then it was in 2014 that I came across a program called Leadership Rhode Island, and they were training people to become coaches to do strengths-based development, and that's how I got interested in the field of coaching.

Daniela

It's a great theme for this episode, you know, in terms of self-compassion, in terms of this journey of getting to know ourselves, right? This journey of learning to be more comfortable in our own skin, grow in confidence, and grow in self-awareness. I think it would be really interesting to explore a little bit more about coaching because that's actually how we met each other, if you remember.

Claudia

Yeah. Was it in Social Enterprise Greenhouse?

Daniela

Yeah. Yeah. I think it was. I remember meeting you back in Providence, Rhode Island. I can't remember what year. Maybe 2015, maybe 2016.

Claudia

Sounds right. Yeah.

Yeah, we met when I was starting my entrepreneurial journey, when I was just starting to get into coaching. And I actually remember meeting you and thinking you were so inspiring. You're such a wonderful role model for the type of coach that I wanted to evolve into.

Daniela

That's kind. Thank you.

Claudia

You're welcome.

Examples of soulful brands we have coached

Daniela

Yeah. And I think we just connected right from the start in the coaching world, in the personal development space. And yeah, maybe you could tell us a little bit more about what it is about coaching that attracted you to it. I mean, you said you were working with burritos when you first came over to this country. I didn't know that about you, which is incredible. It's like you've really done so many different types of jobs in this life. So I guess, what attracted you to coaching after all those experiences?

Claudia

Yeah, so I think I have always been interested in serving others. And I knew that if I gained tools and resources to better support the growth of others, that was something that was going to be fulfilling to me.

So yeah, when Leadership Rhode Island was recruiting coaches to become strengths ambassadors, I was lucky enough to get recruited. And learning about strengths-based development not only helped me in my own journey to have impact on others and to better understand myself, but it brought me closer to my daughter.

And that was very transformational in the relationship that I have with my daughter because before I used to want her to just be like me, have sort of the same values. And when she completed the CliftonStrengths profile, I understood that she was her own world. I became more curious about the things that motivated her.

So yeah, coaching has brought me so much fulfillment, not only in the work that I do with others, but personally. It's very personal for me, coaching.

Daniela

Wow, that's so beautiful about your daughter. That's so special that you were able to enter this world of personal development and it brought a transformation not only in the relationship with yourself, but with your daughter and maybe, I would guess, other people as well, which is so beautiful.

It's like that's one of the things I love about coaching, personal development, even astrology and human design, which are the two lenses I've been attracted to in the last few years. Because it's like, what is the power of differentiation? How can we use certain tools, certain lenses, to first help us understand ourselves better? Who are we? What are our unique values? What are our unique strengths in this world? And how does that make every single person different from the rest?

Claudia

I love that. And to be honest with you, that's a struggle that I had growing up in my family as well, with my parents or the elders in the family. It was this constant battle between who they expected me to be based on their beliefs and values, and how they had lived their lives, and then being able to discover how am I uniquely designed to show up in this world? What do I actually care about, regardless of my family, society, or what I grew up in?

Is that something that occurred between you and other people as you went on this journey?

My attention and my efforts, in a way, were focused on my daughter. So she was a purpose for me, and I also threw myself into my career. So career was very very important for me for many many many years

But in 2022 it's just been a couple of years ago I I found myself completely disengaged at work for the first time in my life, an empty nester because my daughter had already graduated from college and went to pursue her own career.

I had broken up with the fiance that I had at that time and I got sick. So basically my world collapsed.

And it was a life crisis and a moment for me to re-evaluate everything, right? So, how is living my life? So I decided to leave my corporate job and to do some travel and I realized that all of those years working here in the United States, like going from one job to another, there were so many things. Well, first of all, I was always trying to fit in, right? So I learned how to just fit in spaces, you know, just say what people wanted to hear like and in that desire to fit in so much, I lost myself. Like, I didn't know that, but I lost myself.

So when I went on this journey, I went to um Barcelona, I went to Minorca, and I took a trip to the Dominican Republic. So those trips, in different ways, helped me to go deeper within myself to learn more about who I was, to learn more about um who I wanted to be, to learn about what values I wanted to embody and protect going forward.

That awakening, in a way, inspired me to write the book. So I wanted to document somehow my journey because I felt that I'm not the only one, you know, I cannot be the only one who comes to this country with so many good intentions and gets lost in the way.

So that was my motivation to write a book.

Daniela

Oh, that's beautiful. Oh gosh, I can relate so much to this journey you shared in terms of, well, the idea of belonging, right? The idea of belonging and fitting in, in what are the ways in which we bend ourselves, we change ourselves to feel accepted into certain spaces? I've definitely experienced that myself, you know, living in other countries and experiencing other cultures, which is so beautiful. But um yeah, there does come a point where it's that it's that line between fitting in and self abandonment that you're explaining. And it can be such a beautiful turning point, a beautiful catalyst where you do start to feel like everything's collapsing, nothing's going right. I feel awful all the time, right?

And I have gone through this phase myself, so I really understand. And it sounds like it totally set you off on this path of self-discovery and even self-empowerment, you know, to really get to know who you are, maybe for the first time ever.

Claudia

Yeah, I could say that that I also relate to what you said, like, you know, I'm 48 years old, and I feel like I'm 30 maybe. I feel like a 30-year-old. Better in terms of energy. Way better.

Yeah. So, you know, I think we humans need like pain and a struggle to evolve for some reason. When we are, I mean not all of us, but most of us. I know Michael Singer from the surrender experiment and the untethered soul he did not need to suffer he just had it in a moment but yeah but those are random.Most of us most of us need deep pain and suffering to just kind of wake up and realize oh you know I want to live my life differently.

So yeah, so for me my midlife crisis was a gift was a huge huge huge gift because I wouldn't be in the journey that I am right now without you know without that awakening and like you met me before you know you met me few years before and I think you would describe me as like a nice person you know

um but you you wouldn't have known my inner struggles, you know, my my self-criticism, my my judgment towards myself constantly, you know, my highest standards. I always been so perfectionist.

Yeah. So where I always let myself down, you know, and it still happened here and there, but the difference is that before I couldn't get out of it. Like I would be in these loops for I don't know hours, days. Now it's like, oh, you know, I recognize it, and it's okay. I can move on. So, but but the tendency is still there, but but it's not running my life, right?

Um, so yeah, so I am grateful. I'm a I'm grateful for my midlife crisis because it's helping me to realize that, you know, that I can relate to my life differently.

Daniela

Yeah. Oh my gosh. What was coming up for me when you're talking about your midlife crisis was this phrase that I love. I don't know who originally said it. If anyone knows, please drop it in the comments cuz I'm so curious. But it's this phrase, rejection is protection. And I've gone through the dark night of the soul phase as well.

And it may happen multiple times throughout someone's life, when you feel that life or everything you knew to be true about your life starts to reject you. It starts to feel off, starts to feel misaligned.

That is actually a redirection deep down. You know, maybe you can't see it when you're going through it because it's dark, and it's painful. It is suffering when nothing feels right anymore.

But it really is the beginning of that transformative journey that's going to redirect you into who you truly are. You know what you value.

Claudia

Absolutely.

Daniela

Yeah.

So that's so powerful that you've shared that.

Claudia

Thank you. I have a question for you. I'm just a little core a question about myself.

Daniela

Okay.

Claudia

So, do you see anything any difference between the person that you met, like I don't know, when we were at SCG, to who I am now. Like, I'm just wondering if there is something like, if you can pinpoint, like, one thing that you say you know, what I see, I see a shift or I see a change between who you were and who you are.

Daniela

I would say I don't see it as much as I feel it. I think your external personality is still the same. You are always kind and loving and very warm, and I always felt immediately, you know, safe to interact with you and all of that good stuff.

But energetically, you're just transmitting so much peace now. So much peace, so much calm, so much a sense of groundedness in who you are, and there's no urgency. There's no rush, you know? That's that's what that's what I feel from you now. And I think that is a shift from when we first met.

Claudia

Thank you. Thank you. That resonates so well for me.

Um, thank you. Thank you for saying that. And yes, I think that is the difference. Exactly.

And I've been thinking about, I have like a little mantra like you can make it safe anytime you want. You can make it safe, right? And um, and I think that was that I didn't have access to that before. That's what it was.

I didn't know how to make a safe for myself.

Daniela

Wow.

Claudia

You know, and I feel a little nostalgic now thinking about it.

I just got emotional about it.

Daniela

That's okay. Yeah.

Claudia

Because and but it's not only emotion for me.

It's because how many people in the world don't know how to make it safe for themselves?

Daniela

Yeah.

Claudia

Why are we not taught these things?

Yeah. Now I'm getting emotional.

Daniela

Yeah. I understand so deeply, and I think I mean I relate to so much in terms of, like, when I was younger, I was driven by perfectionism. I was driven by high achievement, you know, always going, going, and and and getting all these degrees and certificates and whatever, you know, all the status and all the things that I was taught from my upbringing or what would make me a worthy and acceptable human being.

And I have also come to the same question of why am I valuing these things? Are these things I truly value? Who would I be without work?

Who would I be without my education or any of the external things I've achieved? What if I didn't have any of those? What if I had nothing in my life and it was just me as a human being? Who would I still be?

And um these questions have kind of led me to realize that one of the main reasons I was valuing all these things and chasing all these things was because I didn't feel safe in myself to just exist.

And it really was this question of how do I create an internal sense of safety to the point where I allow myself to literally just exist in this physical world. Like I'm going to spend a day and not do any work. I'm just going to sit in the sunshine. I'm going drink my tea and that's going to be my entire day. And that is okay, you know, because it's it's safe to just be a human being and exist without achievements, without anything.

Is that is that kind of something you've experienced so much?

Oh, totally. Oh my gosh, totally. I used to feel so guilty when time passed by, and I didn't do what I was supposed to do or like in mind. I mean, like, not if it was responsible with something, but just my inability to relax.

Claudia

Yeah.

I struggle with that.

And like this is actually to bring it back to the conversation that we had earlier. my ex fiance, he he loved to paint and he loved to smell the roses and you know. I pushed him to just do things like we start doing a construction project, you know, we started a business together and I was like do, do, and that was part of the reason why, you know, we had to break up the engagement. Because we we made ourselves so busy that there was no more time for us. We were just so busy with everything else. I work at a pace that he was not used to.

So, I know this is terrible to say, but I used to think that he was lazy, you know, because he wasn't working as much. So, I used to criticize something about him and later on I understood that it wasn't so much that he was lazy, it was my inability to relax. So, you know what I mean? When we're so, we tend to judge those things that we don't fully understand. So it's interesting how, like, the things that I used to judge now are the things that I want to embody and that I'm working on.

Daniela

Yes. I was going to say maybe sometimes the things we judge in others are actually the things we're meant to cultivate in ourselves. And in resisting cultivating that in ourselves, we're judging, and we're criticizing it as something bad when it's actually the very thing we're meant to learn that could really enhance our lives.

Claudia

Oh, absolutely. And there is another aspect to it, and it's that most of the time we are on autopilot, right? We have these patterns of thought, feeling, and behaving that get us to do things automatically. That's why it's so difficult to acquire a new habit, because we just have visual beings. We know what we should be doing, but we end up doing what we always do.

So, you know, having a new habit takes time. So what happened is that we get in these loops. So you know, we're used to the relaxation, maybe we relax a little bit too much. We're used to the work we used to working hard, so we overwork ourselves.

So that's the beauty of relationships, that in relationships we can bring light to the shadow of the other, and in a healthy relationship, it's about balance. It's not about judgment. It's about you know curiosity and support, but also balance. So I think that's one of the biggest gifts of a relationship that brings balance.

Daniela

I love that.

Claudia

So yeah.

Daniela

Oh, that's beautiful, Claudia. That's such good food for thought. Oh my gosh. I could truly talk to you for hours and hours and hours. And I do think we're going to be doing a part two. Definitely, because yes, we will definitely have to do a part two. I would love to leave our audience with some final words of wisdom from you.

So, if there's anybody listening right now who is relating to a lot of what we've been talking about, you know, maybe someone's been feeling very self-critical, they've been struggling to relax and let themselves just exist, you know, as a human being.

Um, what kind of advice would you like to leave them with?

Claudia

So I would say that we need to give ourselves a lot of self-compassion because wherever we are now in our lives is the result of the product of our lived experience, our environment, the people that were around us, right? So everything has shape us and we our thinking our our way of thinking and our beliefs shapes our reality right so years of conditioning of thinking certain way of having certain beliefs are not going to go away right away because you hear someone said something you know because you're saying like okay I'm going to do this no it takes time to cultivate a new mindset to cultivate a new way of being habit.

So I think the most important is self-compassion really understand like accept like have a good look of where we are think about where we want to be and look at that gap right between who we are today who we want to be and then start thinking about the steps that we need to take you know find um an accountability partner find a coach that's where coaches are so um you know we can't coach ourselves and you're a coach but you need a coach I need a coach right so we need someone that can like give us you know the perspective and ask the questions. I think anyone that is in the journey of transformation should have a coach right someone that can guide them. So we can have a vision of who we want to be, where we want to go, while accepting and loving who we are today, because if I'm waiting to be someone else, to love myself, to accept myself, it just doesn't work. So it's the loving and accepting who we are today. Having a good look at the good and the things that we need to improve, but accepting it and loving it. So we can start stepping into the version of ourselves that we want to become.

Daniela

Ah, such good advice. Learning to accept where we're at, but also holding the vision of who we want to become.

Claudia

Absolutely.

Daniela

So good, Claudia. Thank you so much for your wisdom. My goodness. I feel so inspired, and I love it.

 And lastly, super important, how can people get in touch with you? Do you have any specific um things that you're promoting?

Claudia

What I'm promoting is a book. Thank you for the question. Please go to loveisthepath.org, and you can find all my information there.

Daniela

Amazing. Amazing.

Oh, well, thank you, Claudia It has been amazing.

And thank you, everybody who's been watching and listening to this episode.  I will catch you next time on the Sacred Style Podcast. Bye.

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About Claudia Cardozo - author of Love Is the Path and founder of InnateFive, where she helps individuals and teams grow through corporate coaching and workshops.

❤︎ LET'S CONNECT ❤︎

✨Book: http://loveisthepath.org/

✨Website: https://www.innatefive.com/mindfulness/

✨LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/claudiacardozo/

✨Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/LoveIsThePath/

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